Looks like Gnomeggedon and Saresa are fighting over which is superior in the world of caster DPS. Gnomeggedon advocating for mages, Saresa advocating for warlocks. Now while I appreciate the rivalry as much as anyone else, I wish to impart some sense of objective standard by which we judge which is best. So drawing upon the Miss America pageant as inspiration I will use the following criteria for judging which class is the best Caster DPS. For the sake of completeness I will include Boomkin, Elemental Shaman, and Shadow Priests as well. And the categories are:

  1. Personal Interview
  2. Talent
  3. Lifestyle & Fitness
  4. Evening Wear
  5. Onstage question
Personal Interview

If chosen as Miss Caster DPS 2010, what would your main goal be for Azeroth?
Elemental Shaman: I would like to see the forces of nature better revered, so I would embark upon a tour of the world to teach all the orphans about fire, wind, water, and earth.
Warlock: My main goal would be to enslave the denizens of Azeroth using the forces of shadow and fire. Once under my complete and total control, well to be honest I haven’t worked it out past the enslavement part. But let me just say, it won’t be pleasant for those who oppose me.
Shadow Priest: Look I’ll be honest, I’m only a shadow priest for PvP. If it wasn’t for replenishment I doubt my guild would even take me to raids. So if I become Miss Caster DPS I guess I’ll heal some orphans after teaching them about pain or something.
Mage: I would use my talents and skills to better educate the world at large about our fantastic universe. Also I would lead mages across Azeroth to donate strudel everyday to help stomp out world hunger.
Boomkin: SQUAWK!
Talent



Contestants please show us some talent you have.
Mage: I have a variety of things I can do. But today I shall turn the Durotar judge into a penguin, then I shall disappear!
Warlock: I shall summon a powerful demon and have it perform tricks for my amusement!
Elemental Shaman: I will place four stick into the ground, and make everyone go really fast for 40 seconds!
Shadow Priest: I..um…I will surround myself with darkness and yeah….I got nothing.
Boomkin: SQUAWK!
Lifestyle and Fitness

Contestants please tell us what you do to stay in shape.
Warlock: Well I keep an active lifetsyle. My fel hunter and I go for runs every evening. He is very energetic and that spreads to me as well. I always eat healthy with just draining life and souls from my enemies. I do have to confess I do have a bit of a sweet tooth for candy though.
Shadow Priest: I run from lots of things, mobs, enemies, healing responsibilities. I have to say that amount of running has kept me in pretty good shape, especially the healing duty avoidance.
Mages: While I do love to bake strudel, I realize that with great powers like mine, I have to keep active lest I become out of shape. My workout regiment consists mostly of AoE farming. Nothing like doing work out of doors, getting fresh air and materials for other tasks to help keep you fit and trim.
Elemental Shaman: I do the T4 workout. It basically is lugging around 4 heavy totems everywhere I go. It really gives a strong workout to my core muscles preventing me from looking like a laser turkey if you know what I mean.
Boomkin: SQUAWK!
Evening Wear

Mage:


Elemental Shaman:


Warlock:


Shadow Priest:


Boomkin:

Onstage Question

For this last category we will ask each contestant a question relating to contemporary issues facing Azeroth.
First off Mage, what do you think about the intended campaigns to retake Gnomeregan and th
e Echo Isles?
Mage: Any campaign should be taken with the utmost attention to detail. It is important for the alliance and the Horde not to spare the necessary resources for these campaigns lest they find themselves in a quagmire causing an unnecessary loss of life and resources. I do wish both campaigns the best of luck though given the struggles the Darkspear Trolls and Gnomes have endured in their refugee status.
Next Elemental Shaman, with the campaign against Arthas coming to a close, what threats pose the greatest danger to our beloved Azeroth?
Elemental Shaman: I know many think I’m crazy, but pollution is probably the greatest threat. We saw it with the crashing of the Exodar and we’ve seen it countless times with the Venture Company’s mining operations, we are on the verge of an ecological collapse. It is about time we start working with nature instead of against it.
Shadow Priest, what are your thoughts of King Wrynn’s saber rattling with the horde? Is he posturing or is armed conflict a greater threat now than 5 years ago?
Shadow Priest: Huh? I don’t really care. If we go to blows, great, if we don’t whatever I still have arenas.
Warlock recent polls show a fifth of the horde cannot identify Ogrimmar on a world map. Why do you think this is?
Warlock: I personally believe that Horde Azerothians are unable to do so, because, uh, some … people out there in our realm don’t have maps, and uh, I believe that education like such as Arathi Basin and, uh, the Booty Bay everywhere like, such as and … I believe that they should, our education over here in the Alliance should help the Alliance, er, should help Arathi Basin and the Kalimdor nations, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.
Ooookay. Now Boomkin, what threat if any does the Burnign Legion pose to modern Azeroth, or is it purely contained to the Outlands?
Boomkin: SQUAWK!
AND THE WINNER IS…..

Mage!

Oh what a complete surprise! I am so happy for this years winner! Mages are thoughtful, look good in evening wear, have a healthy lifestyle, and think about the world around them. Truly an inspiration to us all.





There she is, Miss Caster DPS 
 There she is, your ideal
 The dream of a million mages who are more than pretty 
 can come true in Dalaran City 
 For she may turn out to be the Queen of DPS Efficiency 
 There she is, Miss Caster DPS
 There she is, your ideal 
 With so many tricks she took the realm by storm
 With her crushing DPS style and form 
 And there she is Drifting on air, she is
 Oh so very rare, she is
 There she is - Miss Caster DPS 2010!!!! 




Comments

Weighing in on the Mage vs Lock debate — 24 Comments

  1. Thanks. I really appreciate the laughter on this one. It feels good to know I wrote something you guys enjoyed.

  2. Shadow Priests totally win the Talent competition! Chopper + Shadowform = win!

    Elemental Shamans are a strong second with Choppers and Water Walking, however.

  3. Oh, that's great. But I think the shadow priest totally won the evening wear section.

  4. Hehehehe, awesome! (even if I do find the… um… findings… to be slightly flawed :-P) Also… that ditzy girl is so not a Warlock 😉

    Definitely appreciated the laugh!

  5. a mage may win mrs caster dps but a warlock can steal their soul and take it :-)

  6. the squawk! idea was hilarious, especially in the evening wear section

  7. This is brilliant from beginning to end.

    I don't know exactly what kind of statement you were trying to make about boomkins but it's hilarious!!!!!!

  8. I call shenanigans – Miss Warlock over there is clearly replaced by the out of Boomkin-form druid. See how the sash begins the word "squawk"? If it weren't for that question, Warlock totally would have had it.

    You know what though, while Warlock really deserved the win, I'd be much more likely to bring Miss Shadow Priest to dinner with the family… she seems pretty well-grounded.

  9. SQUAWK!
    omg, i never laughed so much reading a wow article.
    Really funny.

    And i love it that the Mage is the winner. Really the best caster class.
    Other casters are just envious of our pure awesomeness deep inside. Just admit it warlocks.

    The boomkins agree too: SQUAWK!

  10. Because a two button arcane rotation is really awesome amirite

    /palm

    Tortlol <3