Hi there, and welcome to another edition of your weekend dose of off-topic crap! This week we’re going to talk about stupid shit that I’ve done or that has happened in the course of my 2 years as a parent.
Mommy Fashion Fail
I have gone to work with coffee in my hair and vomit on my shirt. And vice versa. In fact, this could be a mad-lib: I have gone to work with ____ (gross bodily fluid or other gross substance) in/on my _____ (body part or clothing).
Right now I’m wearing a nursing bra left over from my snack bar days because none of the normal undergarments are clean. I’ve also been known to wear the Christmas undies which say “ho ho ho” on the front at any time a year due to laundry fail.
Parent Nutrition Fail
At a year, we introduced Twig to ranch dressing. She loved it so much, she abandoned the dipping implement and stuck her entire hand in the ranch cup, and proceeded to lick it off – and threw a tantrum when we took it away. Ranch is apparently baby crack. We put a moratorium on ranch for a while, since she was too young to understand dipping or restraint. We’ve recently reintroduced it. I caught her just this week drinking ranch straight out of the dipping cup.
At Christmas dinner, Twig refused to eat anything except olives and cake. There was no ranch involved.
Potty Training Fail
Twig was having difficulty with vocabulary, and was saying “I pooped” when she really just farted. Tired of false alarms, we taught her “I farted.” She now announces “mommy farted” all the time. It doesn’t help that we have corduroy furniture, so there are many fart-noises happening in the absence of actual flatulence.