In the whole drama mess going on in guildland (sigh) it has come to my attention that unnamed “people” don’t like me. It has further come out that this may be the prevailing opinion! The complaint was exceptionally vague.
Not Everyone Clicks
You know, I get this. Not everyone is going to like everyone else. That’s just life. I don’t have an overwhelming desire to like everyone or be liked by everyone.
What To Do About It
So if you don’t like someone, what do you do about it? It depends.
1. Identify what you don’t like. Maybe it’s racist jokes in gchat.
2. Determine if that’s reasonable. It’s reasonable to dislike racist jokes in gchat. It’s not reasonable if your chief complaint is “breathes through mouth on vent.” Tough shit. Get over it.
3. Do something about it. If you want to do something about it, go to the person and say “hey, quit telling racist jokes in gchat.” OR, if you feel uncomfortable doing this, tell an officer to deal with it. That is what the officers are there for.
What If There is Nothing To Do About It
If there is nothing to do about it, then STFU. There is no point complaining to an officer that “I don’t like so-and-so” without identifying the problem. What the hell is the officer supposed to do about it? Maybe say “I hear someone doesn’t like you for unidentified reasons. So please stop sucking. Thanks.” Or maybe gkick based on that complaint? Unlikely.
Again, STFU. This should be self-explanatory. You’re just spreading drama. At best, your ranting goes unnoticed. At worst, it gets back to the person and hurts his or her feelings, while at the same time making you look petty.
And Here I Am
Unidentified people dislike me for unidentified reasons, which someone felt the need to tell an officer and the officer reported to Alas. What the hell is she, as GM, supposed to do about it with no more details than that? What the hell am I supposed to do about it? Whatever I’m doing wrong – I have no idea what it is so I don’t know to quit doing it. And since I don’t know who made the unspecified complaint, I have this grating feeling that the person I’m joking with in gchat or helping by healing an instance may be the same person snarking behind my back. Not exactly motivating.
(Ok, enough whining, next post will return to our normally “informational” jabbering.)
This raises good points if you look at “The Video Game Guild as a Pretend Business In the Serious Business of Killing Internet Dragons For Gold and Phat Lewts” – you may not like your co-workers, but there comes a point where you need to pick up your boot straps and do a thing.
It’s up to the person proper to decide whether or not the issue is something they can just deal with (RE: Vent mouth breather) or rather something that offends their sense of morality, of decency – of whether or not they feel as if they’re compromising their moral compass to stay present.
On the other side of the fence “I just don’t like him/her!” doesn’t fly – if that’s the case, then yes, shut up and deal with it, because you might see something that changes your opinion of that person if you try to get along.
If you have quantifiable reasons to take issue with someone (violating guild rules RE: raid preparation, for example) that’s when you can only resolve something by speaking to an officer… and even then, that’s an issue that needs to be brought up, and then left to the officers/GM to handle – you have to trust people in each direction when it comes to handling things like this.
I agree with you though – if it’s a petty dislike, that’s just… “Why even bother saying a thing like this to any one for any reason?”
It’s totally like coworkers! I want to chat with them and be polite to them and have a pleasant workplace, but I may not necessarily want to go to Happy Hour with them. This is why certain topics are verboten in most guilds – religion, politics, etc – so we can all get along and reach a common goal without finding out things about each other that we might not like.
Me, myself and I endorse the excessive use of STFU in this post. ;D
I hear ya, but then the immediate question: why do you care? I know it’s annoying, but seriously, if the person cannot even be transparent enough to say ‘why’ he/she has issues with you and approach you directly, just don’t give a shit.
The very few times I had a guildmate talk to me remotely in such context, I told the person right away that it’s not for us officers to handle our members arguments or dramas. I only ever had 1 really bad such case who tried to raise people against each other by moaning behind their backs and I kept telling her that I am the wrong person to talk to – and I also really don’t care. luckily she is gone by now.
officers aren’t parents, if the issue is a real one (yours looks like it isnt) we can jump in if the guild is concerned, but anything else is for members to settle between each other like grownups. you really don’t want to involve yourself as an officer who cannot take sides on such things anyway.
but back to the question – why care? unspecified complaint is no complaint. and indirect complaint is usually not worth hearing complaint.
I think I just feel personally offended and “used” (so to speak) if the same people who are snarking behind my back may be the ones whom I go out of my way to help – the ones who think it’s ok to be a jerk behind my back may then ask for PLEASE PLEASE HEAL THIS INSTANCE. I have no desire to be nice to assholes. My time is better spent being nice to or helping non-assholes. My problem now is that, aside from my close friends, I’m not sure which is which.
Simple answer: don’t let yourself get used. Go when it benefits you and/or you have the time.
My information is only second-hand (like yours). No one still with the guild has said to me “I don’t like Zel because…” So, take this with a grain of salt. Based on the vague statements that I have heard, it sounds like some people were butt-hurt that you came into the guild and immediately got a raid spot. Those people don’t know you and have not taken the chance to get to know you. Had they come to me with that issue, my response would have been, “roll a healer, sign up for raids, then bitch if you don’t get to go.” You arrived shortly after we lost one of our best healers, and we would not have progressed without you.
I don’t know if that helps any, but I don’t think it is a personal dislike. I think it is irrational and stems from a little xenophobia, a little jealousy, and failure to give you a chance. That’s the haters’ fault, not yours.
Thanks Yngwe, that does make me feel better – because that sounds downright irrational. We were scraping for healers. I couldn’t take a raid off if I paid someone.
Glad (?) I’m not the only one who’s been affected by random guildies random hatred. I decided that if they don’t intend to tell me what their problem (about me) is, I don’t intend to care
Yes! That’s exactly it! You don’t have to want to invite these people to your next barbecue, that’s just a neat bonus of running in a guild with these people – you’ll meet neat people and form long lasting friendships, and you’ll meet people you wouldn’t pee on if you saw ‘em burning on the street.
and that’s ok!
I really agree with you on this. I’ve been in guilds with my Wow-playing wife and have had to put up with the passive-aggressive crap from people who don’t like one of us but won’t say anything to deal with it. It’s a nightmare when you’re trying to organise guild groups, runs etc.
My own solution? Confrontation. Bring things to a head, throw things in the open (usually on voice chat) and get to the heart of the issue. Nine times out of ten the issue is resolved and people move on.
Driving to wherever they happen to live and kicking them in the shins is not the way to solve problems?
See, the direct approach has always been my solution. But I ran into a situation where my fellow officers were opposed to this, sadly, and for that (and other reasons) I decided it was time to move on, after nearly 6 years with the same guild.
awk Zel, we all love you here. Unfortunately you can’t please everyone in this life, some people are just prone to disliking people or causing drama as it serves some other purpose (as appears to have been the case in guild) or it validates them as person. Yes people actually validate themselves by being the cause of and perpetuating drama, it’s rather sad really.
As per usual your response is well measured looking at the logic of the ‘I don’t like someone, I’m imba, you’re an officer go do something about it else I will cry and vomit in your soup’ situation. I mean, why on earthn would someone vomit in your soup? It’s just uncalled for but that’s the kind of people we sometimes have to deal with on ‘teh interwebz’.
Of course kicking them in the shins is also a perfectly valid response. I could also loan you my eldest son, he’s not so much passive aggressive as just downright aggressive. You do not know fear until you have fled from an angry two year old brandishing a shoe rofl (he gets it from his mother I swear).
Twig just turned 3. There’s a lot of “NO STOP IT MOMMY! NAUGHTY MOMMY!”
Why couldn’t the old saying be “nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll eat some cupcakes”? Worms just sound gross.
If no one likes you, then who would make you cupcakes?
Although, I guess no one would help you find worms either.
I would assume you would make them for yourself, or perhaps buy them…
And all of this takes me back to the immortal words of Fat Bastard – “I eat because I’m unhappy. And I’m unhappy because I eat. It’s a vicious circle!”
This is one of the reasons that I am as honest as I am with people. Because I want them to be just as honest with me. I don’t do backtalk and I don’t do gossip. I’m not someone where people say “I wonder if O likes me or not.” You know whether I like you or not. There is no mistaking that.
I have been in your shoes more times than I can count and it’s usually not the officers or the GM that have a problem with me. They usually hate having to even have such a petty conversation with me. But if the rank and file (for lack of a better word) wish it, it must be done.
At the end of the day, there are certain people I need to answer to and certain people I don’t. I attempt to please the ones that I do need to answer to and I attempt to do the best I can with those that I don’t. At the end of the day, I’m there to raid, not to socialize.
Another reason I believe in honesty is because I would rather know who likes me and who doesn’t, so I know who I should be wasting my time on. I don’t want to look like a tool by greeting someone everytime they log on and come to find out that’s the person who hates me. I’m wasting your time and mine by doing that. I also know what it’s like to feel incredibly paranoid after having one of those talks with your GM. “Who was it? What did they say? Can I say this? Can I do that? What if this comes out wrong? Ahhh!”
It’s freakin’ not fun!
I’d disagree with getting officers to resolve conflicts. I always found it incredibly annoying and frustrating to have people come to me with petty complaints.
“x didn’t say thank you after I gave them a chance to boost me through stockades!”
If it was “x isn’t flasking in raids” then that’s a different story.
One of the things I had to realise fairly early on in my work (and in wow) was that I’m not going to get on with everyone. There will always be people who don’t like my attitude etc.
I once found someone rather poisonous who hated me in my current guild when I first joined 2 years ago. There was a large vibrant vent group who’d play together and formed much of the raiding core. One of the few girls in said group seemed perfectly polite to my face and would get me to come along to her 10man achievement raids as I was one of the better geared DPS in the guild at the time. I later found out much later when she left the guild (implying we were all scrubs in her leaving message) that she’d basically been going around lobbying officers to remove me from raids in favour of other hunters, telling my wow friends I’d said terrible things to her and generally smearing my reputation. To this day I have an idea “why” but never any real reason.
She reapplied when the top100 guild kicked her and I disvouched for being a drama hungry backstabber. I’m pretty sure she had issues and that’s the main thing I’d say to you Zel. If someone is that petty that they hate you for no real reason and are still willing to let you help them out then I’d say when it does come out (and it will, trust me, I raided with the above girl for 7months before said drama) you do not waste further time with them.
End your guild drama……
Come to Korgath (US) and join PuG Inc…….
pugsquad.blogspot.com
We’d be happy to have you………..
I wouldn’t waste any more of my time worrying about if I were you.
If the knowledge that someone doesn’t like you causes you angst, then they win that round. They have upset your equilibrium & impacted your mood negatively. Don’t give them the power to mess with your frame of mind like that.
Best response to this situation IMO is to put it down to their personality malfunction, and rest assured that same personality malfunction will see them dig their own grave. I’d lay odds the person you’re talking about here won’t be around in your guild long, he/she is obviously bad at managing interpersonal relationships.
I actually responded more fully to your topic on another blog which referenced your post – if you’re interested here’s the link: http://pugnaciouspriest.com/2011/01/30/dislike/